It was easy to set up - every one is willing to take your money after all, and everyone waited until it was open before jumping in with comments like "Why didn't you talk to me first? No-one's ever had success from this location". Staff were rarely a problem to find either (it's always easier to find someone to take a salary than it is to find someone to give a salary) and I had some excellent staff. Unfortunately I opened in the wrong year - 1999 - immediately before the "everyone stay at home" Millenium high season, followed by the "ooh lets go to the Thai islands" season following DiCaprio's version of "The Beach" - it wasn't a good winter for Chiangmai.

I closed it middle of the next year, after the bottom completely fell out of the tourist market in the week after Songkran - for example, we went from around 40 breakfasts per day to just one or two, quite literally overnight, so I got out while I still had something in the bank - the closing down party was the best night's takings ever, and we had seating along the soi because of the number of customers. Looking back, we should have done similar promos at least once a month and the place would still be going - Chiangmai is not noted for pubs and restaurants holding promo nights, which is an opportunity for someone with some marketing smarts.

I was actually talked into it - a good friend who'd helped through the trauma of closing the restaurant, and moving home, remarked on the way in which I taught my staff and said I should give teaching a go. The house I'd moved into had a large room with it's own external door and was ideal as a small classroom, so we designed some conversational English materials and hung a sign on the front gate. Being near the university helped, and very quickly I had my first students. At that time, I was only thinking about a way to keep my brain active and avoid dwelling on the restaurant's demise. I quickly found I liked it and tried to make a go of being an ajarn.

I had chosen the house because it had a "home-classroom" and I had an abundance of materials to prep courses. I knew the key was in numbers - avoiding one-to-one and aiming for groups, and giving them a visible continuation path. Within a few months, I had 6 course books designed that were copied and bound at a shop at the end of the soi, and which allowed progression from post-beginner through the intermediates to advanced. The courses ranged from 20 hours to 50 hours. Students paid 200 baht per book and then the tuition time.

I should remind you that the cost of living in Chiangmai is significantly lower than Bangkok, especially for things like in-city transport, or dining out. It's not as cheap as Khorat and similar boonie-towns, and at times does feel damned expensive, but you can live comfortably here on two-thirds of what you'd need down there in the capital. Also the expat community, though just as large, is more compact, and the mutal assistance network springs into play a lot more up here - it has an impact on the cost of getting things done.

I started by charging 30 baht per hour with pay as you arrive for each lesson, but the organisation of class size got difficult (one class hit 18 students for about a week and I decided it was impractical for conversation lessons), then at the same rates I started charging weekly - they had to arrive on a Monday and pay for the week (5 days at an hour a day) or they couldn't attend that week. I also used a no-attend = no-refund policy. At 30 baht an hour, no-one griped.

After a few months, and at the suggestion of students, they paid for the whole course up front at 40 baht per hour, and the schedule was changed to two rotas - 90 minutes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, or 2 hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays with a five minute break mid-lesson. That worked a treat, as by setting a curriculum, I could sign up a full class of 8-10 students comprised of groups and individuals who applied separately - it was a much more professional front end.

By six months into doing it from home, I had 8 class groups per week, each with an average of 8 students and was making good money (average 10K per week) despite the low hourly rate per head. Because it was courses I'd written myself, I was very familiar with the materials and could anticipate each class's requirements for content jiggling. By staggering course starts, so that at least one new class started each week. I had income arriving weekly .... cash flow is king - right?

One point I would emphasise is that from the very outset I decided weekends were mine. So, although I often taught through to 9pm, I never worked Saturday or Sunday - it is possible to do it, and to still make a good living. But there are times it is difficult to explain the need for time-off to students begging for weekend tuition.

My first two private students were an Aggie post-grad from the university and her boyfriend who was a researcher for one of the Agriculture departments. They introduced me to their professor who wanted private English lessons, luckily in the day-time. From their it snowballed. She introduced me to the Asst Prof in another department, who wanted her research team brought up to speed, and they introduced me to a field trials unit who also needed brought up to speed for working with the international post-grad students, and so on. Pretty soon I had an average of 3 hours a day teaching the Agriculture faculty members. I set the rate at the same as the university paid its English Dept teachers - 250 baht per hour, and had an additional 15 hours a week of "easy money" using the same materials as with my evening students. It was all very casual and unofficial, though accounted for officially when it came to payment.

They were very pleased with the results and even now, five years later, the professors prefer me as their editor and proofer for important papers and presentations. I also continually get post-grads referred to me for thesis proofing. At least two major papers presented at international symposiums were modified based on my input, and I was consultant editor for a book and CD of symposium transcripts that they published after a major event in Chiangmai. Included in that was my having to "rewrite" a Royal's speech - discretion prevents me naming who or why.

Later, they also had me teaching non-curriculum lessons to the international student groups, and I picked up some corporate gigs as well including with a division of the Royal Projects Services Management. Rates for those varied from 300 baht per hour to 500 baht per hour.

At this point, my only engagement at CMU was the informal arrangement with Agriculture, and they had no problem with the break as it coincided with academic year end, and they needed extra time to sort that out. I arranged a relief tutor for my evening classes, but had already managed to wind-down and "graduate" most of them before I went.

The job in China was a "filler" post until the contracted tutor could arrive at the college, and I have to admit it was the best time I ever had as an EFL tutor - the students were fantastic .... I spent saturday nights at their dorm logged into a PC network they'd built, playing computer games with them - in some ways it was like being a student myself.

The college gave me almost complete autonomy in running the classes, designing the schedule, etc. The course content was governed from Australia, but the materials were stuck in Customs (waiting for a bribe that the college eventually paid) so I ad-libbed from the course objectives, using what I already knew from my pre-Asia career - it was an IT course. It was a very lucrative month - my Australian rate salary went direct to my UK & Thai bank accounts,and I had 12 hours a week of EFL arranged privately with the college for which I got about 4,000 Baht per week. I was struggling to spend 1,000 per week as all accommodation costs were covered by the contract (I lived-in at the college) and the staff restaurant refused to allow me to pay, plus I was being banqueted 3-4 nights a week by the faculty. I found the cost of living there to be even lower than Chiangmai.

The college wanted me to go back to Project Manage the computerisation of the campus, but couldn't get the funding approval from Beijing, Many of those students still email me several times a year, and the only downer was returning to a newly installed TRT government.

The books were primarily designed for my own students as described above, but I still have the master copies with the intent of refining them for commercial release. Unlike many new course books, these have the advantage of having been used with many classes, and the most popular one is in its fifth revision based on class feedback. It was also adopted by the college in China, so it fits the broader Asian market well. I still worry its too "basic" but there were 3rd and 4th year undergrads here who found it challenging, although the first year Chinese college kids breezed through it. I'm open to offers from anyone looking for pre-written materials, either on a "finished copies" basis or to pick up the publishing contract for them.

One of the advanced books was expanded and adopted by CMU Business Admin as an official 3rd year undergrad course for 6 semesters. It went through 4 revisions before its final incarnation. The students loved it and comments included that it was the only (English language) CMU course that challenged their brain. For the same reason, other tutors disliked it as they had problems understanding the ethos and purpose of what it was delivering. Basically it was designed to develop and accelerate critical thinking concerning business news in the English media - a sort of "why do different papers report differently?" approach. The students had to dig behind the story and report the true status of industries they had chosen to study. Some of them became excellent at it. Others just did the bare minimum to get a passing grade.

For me, the crowning glory was the student who looked at the 2002 Thai domestic air fares hike just before the open skies policy. She noted that when Thai handed over northern short hauls to PB Air and Air Andaman, those airlines' introductory prices were below then current Thai fares, but higher than the old Thai fares. Her conclusion was that there had been collusion and fare-fixing between the three airlines and the government - one of the newcomers was owned by a Thai general whose licenses arrived a little too rapidly. Who says that with the right guidance, Thai students can't be incisively and analytically critical?

In mid-2003, Chiangmai Immigration leaked a draft of new visa laws to a local magazine editor. They were in Thai, however his wife heads up the English department of a local college and between them they do translation work for City Hall. Once translated they circulated the text to a select group. I reviewed the proposals then added footnotes, and printed copies for the staff rooms at CMU used by farangs - I'll never forget the opening sentence of the new laws - "If a foreign man wishes to marry a Thai woman and live in Thailand, this is not allowed unless the foreign man has a lot of money" - that's a literal translation and set the tone of those proposals, everythiing was about money and no emphasis on suitability of person etc.

The Thai faculty members objected to my footnotes (items such as pointing out that unless (e.g.) a Brit paid tax on 50K Baht per month salary, they would not get a visa renewal) and the fact that I emphatically pointed out that CMU would have to raise salaries or begin paying for the visa and work permit, otherwise foreigners could not afford to continue employment there. I'd already built a reputation as knowing the rules and regs inside out (I'd even done a final exam section on them in Business Admin) and had taken English to task over failing to apply for the (free) teacher's licenses with the Ministry, caused a consultation conference with Labour Dept about the usuristic new calculation of work permit fees (that used the work book issuance anniversary, instead of the period of work anniversary, to increase fees paid) etc. Now I was challenging them over salaries and visa conditions.

It was too much for them. Here was a farang forcing them to look at the law and the need to comply with it, or potentially lose all their teachers. They began looking for ways to dump me, and at semester end, when I missed a class due to sickness, they cited that as the reason to scrap me, even though they'd previously contracted me for a further semester. I didn't challenge it and considered that letting them have their childish victory would cause fewer ripples for my (higher paid) work in other departments. In hindsight, I should have pressed for the separation pay I was entitled to under Thai law (as I'd worked more than 20 hours a week for more than six months).

Yup - At the start of next semester they announced a 20% pay rise for English Dept teachers, one that had been authorised four years earlier but "forgotten" to be implemented. I'd always wondered how the department's book-keeper managed to pay cash for a six million baht, imported, Jeep Cherokee just before I got dumped - nuff said.

I'd actually started in BA the same semester as English. They were in a jam with three classes having to take a compulsory course and unable to get anyone to teach it. When I saw the course materials I understood why - it was a detailed re-run of Mattayom 5 grammar and syntax. I agreed to take on the course provided I could throw out all the materials and write a completely new course. Effectively I became course author, co-ordinator, and tutor in one step. It was a significant moment for me. In ensuing semesters, there were other teachers delivering the course alongside me.

Business admin were sweet to work for - I got on well with the department heads, the admin and teaching staff, and the students loved me. By the 6th semester there, I knew I was getting a little jaded though, and the permanent full-time appointment of an American female viper running a business correspondence course didn't help. She got it into her head that she was my boss because I was only part time. Several times I had to pull in the Asst Prof to get her off my back and to stop her interfering with my courses. Because she was full time, she had greater contact with faculty staff and began frequently undermining me. It got to the stage that although she had moved in to share what was originally my office, for 8 weeks she totally blanked me and refused to utter a word in my presence.

About 7 weeks from the end of my final semester, we had reached the "pre-pivot" lesson and I was clarifying instructions for the next three lessons, but especially for the next and most important lesson of the semester - one where all the work so far melded into a finished interim report, from which students' final term papers would emerge. It was essential that every student attended the next lesson and that the consultative and directive discussions took place, or it could affect their final score by up to a full grade.

One of the students advised me that the next lesson was cancelled because CMU was hosting the inter-university sports week and their dorms were needed for visiting students. After the lesson I stormed into the dept admin office demanding explanation - I was furious as I'd been made to look a complete pratt in front of the class for not knowing about the closure. It transpired no-one had thought to tell me.

I finished the lessons for the day, and knowing it would be two weeks to the next classroom session, had a meeting with the department head. I explained that this was just the latest of a series of such incidents, that it was unfair to students and teachers alike (as the teachers had no chance to revise the schedule for the students benefit) and that it was unprofessional. Following the discussions I resigned on the spot, handed over a mountain of just-submitted journals and homeworks, and walked out. The department head had to deliver the rest of semester and write the final exam - that increased her teaching load from 3 hours a week, to 9.

Over the next week, many students telephoned or emailed me, concerned that I had been sacked, and I discussed the what and why with them. All of them agreed I had done the right thing and that they had often wished they could do the same. The feeling I got was that they believed CMU was run for the benefit of the senior staff's egoes and social status, rather than as an educational establishment for the benefit of the students. I learned more about the internal politics of the campus that week than I had in the previous 4 years, thanks to the students.

It's a coincidence, but last night I had a long and heavy conversation with a Thai friend. They complained that Thai's simply don't like people who want "to get things done quickly and correctly". She also complained that westerners were scared of her, because she displays exactly the same attributes you ascribe to me, and yes it's an accurate assumption about me. It was often said of me, by foreigners in the English Department, that the Thai staff were scared of me. Others said I was too much like Thaksin (and that perhaps that was why I criticise him so much) in that I knew what had to be done and once I saw a path to it, then that path had to be followed.

Generally though, since leaving the university I've mellowed a lot, as I now follow my own work-path and there's no-one to push me in another direction. Succeeding or failing under my own management is a route that suits my psyche better than being controlled by others. I do get on well with most Thais, and have many Thai friends including a few very like-minded ones. To quote the same friend who persuaded me into teaching - I have no patience for stupid people - I can accept uneducated people because they know no better, but when highly educated and highly capable people persist in following the dumb course of action, then I lose patience with them.

I also have problems with people who withhold information they know you need to know - this applies with government officials as well. One of my constant gripes has been that ALL (and I stress ALL) work permit offices I have come into contact with, persist with the "phoot Angrit mai dai" mentality, when theoretically, all of their customers are non-Thais, and their staff are all graduates who have had 16 years of compulsory English language education. Why then do they claim they cannot speak English?

The only English I teach now are ad-hoc moments to friends and acquaintances, in exchange for teaching me a few words of Thai - almost like being a tourist again. It makes life simpler that way, although it's an uphill struggle to get Thai friends to stop calling me Ajarn.

I've always been a writer, and with the July 2004 visa-income law changes I saw the opportunity to get back into it when the government decided foreign correspondents only had to declare and pay tax on 20k baht per month, instead of the higher rates by nationality. I contacted a magazine I used to freelance for, and they offered me the SE Asian position, thus they now sponsor my visa etc. Interestingly, with over a hundred people in Chiangmai touting themselves as journalists, correspondents, writers etc, I'm one of only a dozen Thai Press Permit holders in the city. Those who haven't registered are doing themselves a disservice as they may be forced into paying too much tax in order to get visa renewals.

The handicrafts business is small volume exports from selling online - I recently did a feature (for Chiangmai CityLife magazine - www.citylife-citylife.com) about online selling, and how it can not only be a useful income supplement, but also an entry route for small manufacturers into the global market. Most of what I sell are handmade goods from micro businesses, hill tribes, and refugees groups. I consider it as returning opportunity to those that the government are ignoring in favour of the Sino-Mon-Khmer-Siamese non-Tai Thais - and that's me getting political based on my study of Thai history.

Absolutely the opposite Phil. I've always decried my complete lack of "luck" - friends here in the North will freely admit they've never known someone with such bad fortune, including a friend who's known me for 23 years and now lives here with his young bride and baby. Everything I get is through sheer hard work, bloody-minded persistence, and a refusal to take no for an answer. An Australian friend refers to me as a "battler", someone who simply keeps going when everyone else gives up. I hate the feeling of having been "stiched" or conned by anyone, and will fight to the end to get what I know is possible - people who say things can't be done "because we've always done it the other way" get the shock of their lives when they come into contact with me. I've only given up once here, after 3 unconnected people at a Consular party "had a word" advising me to back off from a dispute with a particular office, or take a bullet - I effectively went underground for 3 months.

I research meticulously into what I am allowed to do, or entitled to have, and then argue clause for clause with officials. I almost got arrested in Bangkok One-Stop Centre last year for doing that with the head of the work permit section - she capitulated when others started confirming from the law books that I was right, and after I showed her the exam I had written about the law she was supposed to enforce. It also helped that the entire visa section team was pitching in on my side, as were the lawyers visiting the office to represent their clients. A classic "if your face fits ..." scenario and a too common situation that's holding Thailand back from reaching full potential.

Back in year 2000, at one stage I had a total of 2 baht to my name and was at Immigration to renew my visa with my lawyer. It transpired he'd screwed up the paperwork (making his offer of a loan for the visa fee useless) and I was given 2 days to leave the kingdom. I was gutted, but on returning home, the friend who'd persuaded me to teach was visiting, and he changed his entire schedule to take me to Mae Sai next day and buy me 30 days breathing time - if hadn't been him for him, I'd either have been arrested and deported for no visa, or would right now be writing the book about how to walk back to the UK. That's probably the only piece of true luck I've ever had here, everything else has been worked for.

Month by month it's up and down, but the quarterly analyses show steady growth. Q1 2005 was off-curve with very poor sales, which I consider as due to the Boxing Day tsunami and people making too many donations to be able to buy non-essentials - certainly word on western internet forums seem to bear this out. March showed a sudden upward change but not enough to rescue the quarter's figures as a whole. I'm upbeat about next quarter with many new ranges coming online.

Generally it's going very well. Several suppliers now give me better terms than to Thai customers, probably because they see me almost daily and because I've worked hard to build good trading relationships with them. Between the Press stuff and the handicrafts, I work about 16 hours a day, but most of that is at home, either packing stuff while watching a movie, or at the computer doing umpteen things at the same time. It's not all work and no play, I get to travel around the city's environs a lot to find suppliers, and meet a lot of very nice people, especially the artisans and craftsmen, which I find fascinating. It has the added bonus that visits to their businesses gives me a lot to write about for various press markets - tourism, business, crafts, heritage conservation etc. It also helps me to find things I want for my own home, and as seasonal gifts for family and friends inside and outside Thailand. In fact, I've seen more of the North in the last fifteen months than I did in the five years before it.

The Internet selling is something anyone can get into, but you have to start slow and build up over a year or so. Using the likes of eBay can be very profitable but their fees can become expensive very quickly - better to use the free sites such as www.ebid.tv first, and learn the ropes before going onto the fee charging sites. Remember all the standard marketing rules - check out the market for your product, check the competition as well as the customers, get niche if possible then dominate it, establish good relations with suppliers and treat customers like emperors (even when you feel like punching their lights out). Above all, review and evaluate what you are doing as often as possible - often your best profits come from the ranges you overlook normally.

Also. I cannot stress enough how important it is to maintain detailed accounts if you're going to do it seriously - not so much to fulfill tax laws (which you should do anyway) but to see the true picture relating to your business. I can't remember how many failed farang businesses here didn't keep good accounts that the owner could understand. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

This is a major can of worms. The very first thing they should do is consider if they are genuinely suited to life in Asia, rather than to the job. Living in Thailand is addictive, and if you're here because you're an addict then it's time to go home and de-tox. You should be here for more sincere reasons than simply the perceived lifestyle. Living in any foreign country demands a lot of perseverance to know the laws, culture, business ethics, and most importantly - yourself. It's easy to capitulate at the first signs of trouble - are you here because you ran away from something in your own country? If so, firm up, make a stand, dig your heels in, and take control of your life. During my first year here I let too many other people influence my direction. During my second year, I drifted and went with the flow. By my third year I was deciding my destiny and now several years later I control everything possible about what happens in my life - as an old prayer says "Lord give me the power to control what I can, and the wisdom to know what I can't". Once you've sorted that out, then it's easier to seek a direction.

One of the most important things to realise is that a mythology has been built up about what work and businesses farangs can and can't do in Thailand. THIS IS IMPORTANT - read it carefully - The Royal Decree of 1979, and the Foreign Business Act of 1999 lists those types of work, and those types of business, which are prohibited to foreigners, or available to foreigners subject to controls and restrictions - most foreigners get too hooked up on what is in those lists and misread the intent, believing they have to find ways to do what is listed on there. WRONG !!!! IF IT AIN'T ON THERE, THEN YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO IT THE SAME AS IF YOU'RE BACK HOME. Did you catch that? Should I repeat it?

Examples include simple businesses such as owning a bicycle sales and repair shop - true it could be classed as retail and subject to the 100 million baht of stock per outlet rule, but not if you give the business a classification that is not on the list e.g. a sports & fitness consultancy. In that case the foreigner can own 100% of the business as a sole trader (with staff to do the manual work) - once you form a limited company or limited partnership, then you fall under the FBA 1999 and all it's restrictions - sole trading means you keep control.

If you're manufacturing and your product is not on the lists, you can own the whole business, especially if more than 80% of your output is exported - why is there a dozen, foreign owned, fishing tackle companies in Chiangmai making fishing flies and lures? Some with as many as 200 staff now? Think about it.

Many people see the rule for newspaper and magazine ownership and give up on the publishing world - but book publishing is not included, nor is book writing, and Thailand is one of the best countries in the world for self-publishing books. Whether you want a few photocopied "vanity" copies or a major professional print run, prices here are world beating and the workmanship is world class. In fact, you can self-publish a moderate book with colour plates, printing 2,000 copies, cheaper than using a western vanity-house providing only 500 copies - I know, I've done it, and managed the entire process from beginning to end. Additionally, central libraries here issue ISBN numbers free of any charge, other than a couple of copies for their shelves.

If push comes to shove, get down to the night bazaar or Chatuchak and buy some handicraft stuff and flog it on eBay or eBid - it'll make you some extra beer coupons, and could become your primary income - in the 15 months since I've been doing it "full time" I've built up a very comfortable income, one that beats the highest I ever had teaching. Items in demand right now include Thai ethnic silverware, paintings by elephants (not of elephants) from elephant sanctuaries, and home decor wood carvings. Remember to check out the different postal services - Thai Post has been invaluable to me, they're excellent and highly recommended - the SAL Economy Airmail service is very useful.

Whatever business or activity you take on, remember to invest no more than you can afford to lose. Re-invest the profits to make it grow, rather than your own savings, and remember to budget a salary out-take for yourself - you wouldn't work for free for someone else, so why do it for yourself? To a very limited extent, ignore profit and loss in the first year and watch the cash flow - are your cash assets increasing? If not, find out why. Any fool can buy a large fixed and stock assets balance sheet, but only a true businessperson can build a strong cash assets balance sheet from sales. Be prepared to sell some items at a loss - release cash tied up in immobile stock and get it back into the bank to be re-used and increased through profit. Be ruthless with yourself and discard the ego trip of being a trader - you're only as good as your bank balance, and it's a rare farang who'll ever get as rich as a middle class Thai in the Land of Wiles.

Several and in different directions - one day I'll bite the bullet and buy a car and house, find a wife, have some kids and get robbed blind (maybe).

Work-wise, I've been developing several ranges of product for self-manufacture and one of them is selling well enough to warrant thinking about upscaling to a factory, probably in 2007, after extending the range considerably. The handicrafts-by-internet sales are definately growing strongly enough to consider a warehousing-office later this year, possibly with a local retail outlet late next year - I've got a concept that I'm investigating which could take it national within 5 years.

As far as writing goes, I'm still doing the magazine articles and have just completed a major feature series that ran to 21,000 words - the initial rough draft came in at 80,000 words and gives me the outline for a heavy-weight book. I had a niche guide-book published in late 2003 and have drafted the concepts for another seven to make a series, which need some serious time allocation given to them. The old EFL books from five years ago are also available for me to rework and republish - so all in all, there's plenty of authoring to do, and they're the basis of a stock range for potentially opening a publishing house in the future, although I'd prefer to have an external publisher involved for the marketing and money collecting - that becomes tedious and time consuming.

When I left the UK in 1999, I announced I wouldn't be returning. So far I've stuck with that (paint and corners?) and believe things are finally on the up for me now. My constant worry is the current government, and the frequent nationalist or xenophobic utterings from individual cabinet members that reveal their hearts towards farangs in the kingdom. I truly believe the ordinary people don't care one way or another about farangs on their soil, but the big shots seem worried about having us here - is it that we not only see through selfish practises and policies, but are also willing to discuss our views publicly, or is there truth in the speculations of jealousy about our "poaching" all the potential mia-noi's? Whichever, I'll be happier to see a Democrat government return.

I'd like to consider my future is to be in Thailand, and generally plan with that assumption, but I also keep the bulk of my money in the UK now. It's a combination of actual bank interest received, and distrust of the intent of TRT. I also have contingency plans for a rapid exit if things turn sour should HM exit this plane suddenly. My businesses are portable until I set them in their own buildings, and I think that is a key consideration right now. Three years of micro-analysing Thailand's political and business arena's in CMU's Business Admin has allowed me far deeper insights than many long term "bar-stool lawyers", and I prefer to have mobility embedded into my plans for the near to medium term - just in case.

Caveat - Thai business laws change faster and more frequently than any country I know. Comments above are based on the last time I checked the relevant sections - please do not treat them as gospel. For the latest information, seek advice from reputable lawyers or local government branches - remember TiT and the practises used in your town or province may be different from the wording or intent of the law.

For minimum friction, go with the local officers decision.

For maximum satisfaction, get the law translated, read and understand it, print it and bind it with a hard cover, then beat them over the head with it.

But be ready to run if you get it wrong.