Where's the new teacher?

The police just came and took him away in handcuffs.

Oh, my God, you're joking! Quick! Get another job ad on-line!

So you found that local restaurant I recommended then? I walked past and waved but you never saw me.

Er....yes....nice place.  It's nice and and out of the way and the menu prices are very reasonable.

And I bet that big beer went down without touching the fucking sides.

Good night was it last night John?

Just a bit. I've been chasing that number 73 for weeks. 

Tony, I need to have a word with you, well, it's more of a reminder really. I just need to remind you of the school dress code.

But I'm wearing a shirt and tie just like the dress code stipulates!

You are indeed.  You are wearing a shirt and tie.  And believe-you-me, for that we are most grateful.

What's the problem then?

I was alluding to your grey jogging bottoms.

Did that new teacher we hired turn up for work yesterday?  

He e-mailed this morning to say that he'd found something better. But he did wish us all the best for the future - which was nice.

What did the new teacher want to speak to me about? 

He said something about needing an advance on his salary. Ask him yourself. He's out by the fire exit having a smoke.  

What was all that shouting in the reception? 

The new teacher went ballistic because the photocopier is broken. 

And where are the receptionists? 

Hiding in the cupboard where we keep the cleaning stuff.

Khun Thiraporn, just looking at my schedule, I've never taught social studies in my life. What the hell am I supposed to do? 

Just run around the classroom and act foreign. 

Oh, so it's a bit like Chemistry then.

Were those two new teachers fighting in the staff-room this morning? 

Yes, they were arguing over the big desk, the one near the window. Robert said he claimed it first but Melissa said she had reserved it with a two-fingered Kit Kat. 

What's the new teacher want now? 

He's asking about his work permit status. 

For crying out loud, second day on the job and he's whinging. Tell him it's an ongoing process. 

Shall I give him the map of the fire exits? 

Hmmm ... It's probably for the best.

Who's that sitting in the corridor with the lycra sports bra and the teeny cut off demins? 

That's the new teacher's friend. He says she's been helping him buy furniture for his apartment and generally settle in. 

Did you observe that new teacher this morning, the one with the military background? 

Yes, he collected all the mobile phones in a big basket and made everyone do a hundred star jumps. 

Then I heard he threw a student out of the window. 

Only the one.

If that new teacher says 'this isn't like we were taught to do it on the TEFL course' once more, I'll scream. In fact I need to have a word. Where is she? 

Last time I saw her she was in the staff-room making zoo animal hats.

Any idea why Brian the new guy hasn't filled his in his time-sheet? 

He said that he wasn't told at the interview that he would need to fill in time-sheets. And then he stormed off. 

I won't mention Saturday's sports day just yet then.

Tony, I'm the academic director. If you have a problem with another teacher, then come to me and I'll deal with it. We just want the school to be one big, happy family. Writing 'arsehole' in permanent marker pen on his locker does no one any favors. 

Look at the photo of this guy on the FBI's top ten most wanted list. He looks just like the new teacher. 

He looks nothing like him! 

Try to imagine him without the curly wig and sunglasses.