Here's an open letter to my next Thai girlfriend...

Hi. Great to have you on board. I hope we have a long and fruitful relationship. But before we begin all that, please read and understand the following. If there are bits you don't like, then turn away now and never look back. This is a non-negotiable document and there are no changes going to be made.

First of all, please understand that your primary function is to enrich my life. You know, make it better. I, in return, will endeavor to do the best that I can to enrich yours. To make your life easier from the get-go, I have written down a few ideas that will help us to get along well...

First... Food! Being hungry is an opportunity, not a malady. Please don't look at me quizzically and say "I'm hungry!" like I've done something wrong. In fact, don't even tell me at all. We've got a big kitchen and there's a market just outside. This hunger thing is something you can fix yourself.

Oh, and please don't ask me to try anything you're eating. It all looks revolting and I have a sensitive stomach. And if we're eating out, I'll pay for what you eat, NOT what you order! So, go ahead and order as many dishes as you can, but be aware I'll only be paying for the ones you finish.

For my part, I will never ask you to try anything that I cook and you can have an unlimited budget for food.

Next up: The silent treatment. If I have annoyed you in some way, the best thing you can do is to tell me about it. This way, we can quickly get it resolved and move on. If you are giving me the silent treatment then sleep outside or at your parent's house until you feel like talking to me again.

The silent treatment is a waste of life. The negativity stresses me out and as a result, my quality of life suffers. Most importantly - it doesn't actually solve anything!

Gossip! During our liaison, we'll be doing lots of things together. We'll be flying all over the world, going on days out to the beach and having lots of other fun times in each other's company. During all this excitement it's worth noting that the entire time will be spent with just you and I for company. No-one else, not your family and not your friends.

Now, with this in mind you can draw the conclusion that I have absolutely ZERO interest in your friends or your family. What they do is of massively little consequence to me. To this end, it's going to be up to you to find friends to gossip with. Thank heavens for the internet and smart phones.

What's on the big screen! I have abdicated all control over the TV to you. This extends to movies. You get to choose what's on every time and I will sit through anything you want me to and I won't complain. The TV is your domain and I won't ever mention anything about what you like and what you watch. Your part in all of this is to pick a program or movie quickly and STICK WITH IT!

If there's something I really must see then I'll go to the movies on my own or downloaded it to my computer.

Complaining. I'm not a complainer by nature but when things aren't right, sometimes I'll ask for them to be fixed. I know that this isn't the 'Thai way!' but I'm not Thai. So, here's your end of the deal... support me 100% when I decide that complaining is the best way to resolve a situation. It's not that much to ask of a partner, is it? If it is, then proceed no further.

Jealousy. I'll never give you a reason to be jealous. I won't flirt with, chat to, or in anyway engage in the company of women in (or not in) your presence. I understand that it'll take time for you to believe this, but be patient. I'm a 'one woman man' and I do NOT want my penis in the blender!

An issue for you - a tissue for me! Finally: I masturbate. Get over it! But I'll do it either when you're out of the house or (if I'm desperate) when you're fast asleep. If this is an issue then leave now. Find yourself a guy who lies about whether he masturbates or not!

Hello? Where did she go? Bloody hell, she's gone. Who said honesty was the best policy - what a load of rubbish! :)

Mark